It is a momentous occasion for a monumental effort, and please know that I know what you have done for me, and with me.
The place I am nestled away in as I write this is a new home...in a new chair...at a new desk, in Esoteric Student HQ.
The place I am nestled away in as I write this is a new home...in a new chair...at a new desk, in Esoteric Student HQ. The reasons for being here are vast…so this may take a while.
It may take as long to read this as it has to write. It's been such a complex thing to try to write and hit upon so many expansive connections and moments, especially with people who I feel would do a disservice too, to not be included in such a personally important milestone moment; which this indeed is one such milestone moment.
What it represents is that the entirety of my life up to now is over. I'm totally starting over from scratch.
My Grandparent's canine compadre who is in my canine compadre too, my three turtles, and me.
The highs and the lows, (I have not been an easy person to deal with...a lot of times…regularly…at least... the shame makes it feel that way) have been at the extremes of an extrovert to introvert, and all in between at the flick of a switch during this past 20 months (as of the time I am writing this).
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| My journal, an image of mystical origins to be featured soon, my Grandparent's Rings and Ashes. |
I apologise to anyone encountering negative moments with me.
Esoteric Student was created in August 2021.
Back then I was desperate…I was desperate to not lose the connection I had with my dying Grandmother, as I “thought” I had lost my Grandfather after he died in 2018. By which I mean that I could no longer “feel” his presence in the way I thought I would be able to.
Esoteric Student was the name that seemed fitting due to the intended direction of my intrigues. So began with religion and magick. The mysteries of the traditional esoteric material were out of my depth, it is a different language to that of which I speak. In many various ways, it is just a bit too difficult for me to jump into the deep end.
I was drawn in that direction because no modern medicine was going to help me and my Grandmother in the afterlife...what the heck even is the afterlife? It seems logical to then go to that which has been around for the longest time and is esoteric in nature but I need to work backwards to understand it even on the basic fundamental levels. I’m talking about Keys of Solomon, Talismanic, Golden Dawn, Crowley, Hermes…and all the ancient texts etc.
I need to be able to try and grasp an understanding of the things I am to look into because I am not hoping to pull rabbits out of hats…I am looking for and intend on real-world results connected to everything.
Everything is connected to everything…but how?
But I’m a layman to the correct terms, meanings, references…to most all this. I just have experiences where I don't know the right language and terms, and meanings etc…you get my point that I am not the smartest cookie in the jar...I'm not academic I just am a seeker…in the age, we’re in of solo seeking.
Personally, I have opted to focus on the esoteric layers within realms I have encountered, visited, and even toyed with; and tried to come to get to know well (in some cases) throughout my life.
The things I cannot deny exist…
I know how I got to be in some of the fringes of the most fringe fringiest of…?...places…I guess you could call it…and states of consciousness…which are not conducive to good health and I will not survive if I go back there via the means previously employed…I no longer want to die…again (I will cover this at a later date).
So when I was at this point my search kinda stalled due to my grandmother passing away and my trying to deal with going through it on my own (read this article "Goodbye").
Over in the United Kingdom, we lived in what is called a housing association home. aka too poor to buy our own home. And the house was too big for one person to live in so I couldn't stay living there, but I also had nowhere to move to. I knew only that I might have to wait about three months before I could move to a smaller place…but it turned into a limbo of more than 18 months living out of boxes not knowing where my future lay…at all.
And my mental health declined, and my physical health also.
During that time, from that old home to this new one has been such a wild ride, and I have been keeping track of it all via journals.
I found some new spaces…virtual spaces, and used my virtual Reality headset to begin to learn how to meditate, socially online, in the metaverse… what has transpired is the journey up to this point coming back full circle from old endings to new beginnings yet again…
(It’s the ebb and flow, the forever recycling change of impermanence, from one transformation to another…the stream of consciousness at the centre of it all, being cradled and nestled away; being sung lullabies to keep it sleeping within the subconscious…)
It is the gentle cold air on the tips of our nose with each allowed, noticed, but automatic, inhale.
This is what changed the direction of everything for me.
This is what a very kind and wise person taught me first during my first meditation session about getting to the present moment.
To be conscious in the present moment…
Present Moment…this is where things are happening…?
From one perspective everything is in the present moment. And nothing happens outside of it…but how big of a moment are we talking about here because that's a lot of wiggle room to try to consider?...
This question is a legitimate thing to ask.
Extra Sensory Perception in my opinion is the rabbit hole of rabbit holes to go into, and consciousness studies, parapsychology, meta-analysis, meditation, audio, gratitude, love, trying to learn how to be truly alive, expanding the awareness, mindfulness tools, psychology, science (included “pseudo” and quantum of course! (eye roll perhaps), medicine, religions, rituals, the paranormal…just name it and if it has in any way to do with “Consciousness Expansion” because I want to try at least to grasp a better understanding of things i have been curious about my whole life…I want to write about it and post it here because I figure there are other spiritual beings like me out there in the ether of all that exists, who know there is more going on, and want to learn about what it could be.
My theory of everything currently is quite far out there and based entirely on only my own perspective. I wrote this ("What I Believe" link) prior to this Esoteric Student journey as a way to reflect on, and sit with any changes at various times…such as this time.
Everyone who does want to learn more and begin their journey can because anyone can be their own Esoteric Student.
It is this path I am choosing to challenge, probe, discover, and learn about. I am going within the universal flow which is a stream we can all tune in to. It's knowing how to stay there…ironically by learning to let go. Which is something I struggle with.
So this is where I am introducing a format of deep dives with which I wish to go with from this Esoteric Student full-(re)launch moving forward. I will be posting various multiple things about many things. And I am really looking forward to presenting aspects of what my deep dives are into.
Everyone who would like to…can follow the same stream of consciousness as my own by keeping an eye out on my reading updates when I begin a new book, meditation, or virtual reality events, zoom or live stream YouTube for example.
You see, this is where writing helps me so much, such as journaling, drawing, creating, and sharing. It helps me to really process and sit with everything.
It also helps me during the moments, from an observer's perspective, (sometimes at least) because I want to take in as much as I can. Which at times can be way too much. And at other times…it is I who can be too much!
I am Autistic, among other things including ADHD. I can get very paranoid so there may be more to it than is diagnosed, so I shouldn't speculate. I am also hyper-sensitive, I have fewer filters, so need more time to process. I hope you see my point of needing a release, writing then pressing that send button on here, Esoteric Student is that release.
It is a tool.
Why do I wish to remain anonymous?
This is where things get tricky. And illuminating from my perspective because being so rigid on the subject of anonymity is for good solid reasons…or so I thought. And I still do in a lot of ways, but I am now looser on this topic than I was in August 2021.
So much has happened since then (I keep repeating this to myself).
When starting out I knew that in order to be liberated enough to keep this process of exploring and writing on as truer a journey as possible I had to be able to not worry too much about being judged or offending anyone, like a family member for example.
Or to be steered away from my primary path by friends too…
I am aware how this next part may be taken in all sorts of directions in itself...but I didn’t want any friends; for the same reasons as above, plus a couple of more reasons too.
Being someone who uses this blog as a tool, concept, idea…I feel it is important to maintain the integrity of the experiences, readings, conversations, interactions and meetings I share here on Esoteric Student…in the ways, a journalistic approach may be utilised. So in order to maintain some order and add a layer of simplicity…I was able to maintain this for a while. Kept my distance so to speak, and times when I just couldn’t speak (literally). Or I did speak too much (still do!).
But having such a narrow unfulfillment-laced bone-headed approach such as that misses the whole point of this journey entirely.
I have met many people in the time since August 2021, and have made some great friendships, and lost some too. I'm grateful for the lessons, and ongoing learning from those close.
I have many stories to tell over the coming weeks, months, and years. Our story together will be told…using this tool to be known as Esoteric Student.
What’s coming up after this post is a period of time required to settle into a new routine and ways of streamlining how I work, to become more efficient. Some of it will work and some of it won’t, but that is also the journey.
Now…my intentions are to just investigate with curiosity about things I don't know about and to see where it leads.
Sitting here writing this now is still from a state of preparing to unleash my thirst of losing myself in all-encompassing interests with curiosity for knowledge.
It might seem funny to say…but when I release this writing and press publish…everything changes at that moment…that one present moment…but does the present moment even exist? Because it doesn't feel real to finally be here…I am finally fucking here! And it doesn't feel real…surreal…..
Being present…being in the moment…the present moment…general awareness…consciously aware…being aware and mindful of consciousness…flow…stream of consciousness…in my uneducated opinion can each be viewed in many different ways as many different things to many different beings depending on how each of us view languages and words. When we're being fully present…are we aware that we are within the slice of being present during…before it, or after it…?
I must end this very first post with a new fresh view of life as it began. With my deepest gratitude to everyone who has ever helped me to get to be sitting in this chair, at this desk, in this house, in this life.
I understand this post will be underwhelming for some but at this point, I just need to get the weight of publishing my first post from this new stage of my life, which has created a self-expectation bar higher than I can reach in one post and I have stressed myself out over it enough to need to just get past this first post-hang-up so I can post more about specific subjects.
Thank you to everybody who has helped me.
