The Trifecta of Mystery =?

Who are we?...What are we?...What are we a part of?

This past twenty three months has been so eye opening, emotionally intense, and educational. On August 7th 2021 I wrote my first Esoteric Student post and made a couple more posts prior to hitting upon the idea of pausing to write about my perspective on a “theory of everything” as it appears to me.

I did this so I can return to it at a later date and see how much my view changes with time and the deeper I seek as I investigate more and more. I published this article on August 21st 2021, and already between then and now so much has happened that my perspective…and opinion, has shifted. 

I wrote my article with the intention of writing an updated version at some point in the future, however I didn’t expect it to be quite so soon as the NOW is. I realise that while I have some bias towards exploring subjects which I feel may support or dismiss my theories out of hand; I still do not know where exactly my studies are going to take me and what I am going to find.

My goal is to edge towards the truth, and facts regardless of if it is shown to support or deny what I find, and write about, prior to the findings of new information. And that is the “journey” I refer to being on, following the yellow brick road.

But I cannot present my progressive current understandings in a single crudely written post as I did before. This is the role the blog plays, so I can go deep.

Ultimately my main focus is consciousness but at times upcoming, it may not be overtly apparent that what I write and produce is related at all.

This is of course a fictitious diagram and not based on fact

Consciousness: What do I think?

What are we?

Is a question with few words, and yet contained within is a theory of everything. 

There are two more questions which in my opinion “almost” completes a trifecta.

What is our purpose?

What are we a part of?

For me they are the keys needed to induce the most profoundly important and reality shattering mental, and physical exercises in my journey of personal development and expansion.

Trifecta definition: I say that those three questions are “almost” a trifecta because the original use of the word “trifecta” was for making bets on horses. A trifecta means to correctly pick the first, second, and third place finishers at the races, in the correct order. The use of it is now much expanded upon and utilised in many different ways.

But in this instance I am choosing to use it with a question mark (?), due to the complexity and my being unsure with which order, if any, my three questions are appropriately queried.

What are we? What are we a part of? What is our purpose?

They could each be considered to be the same core head-scratching thing. 

Yet they also are quite a vastly different question from one-another, especially when expanded upon. I think?

Just like everybody else, I have so many questions to which I ponder over routinely and I do think I  know can not truly be answered…currently and not in my physical forms lifetime, but we keep on trying to. 

I feel that I keep coming back to such existential and innate trains of thought with a curiosity of warmth and comfort. It is as if my mind belongs to wonder, to see without using phsyical eyes. My mind is loose enough to drift, to flow through…to flow through what?

To flow through something of which I am not able to specify with true accuracy, maybe not any accuracy at all, in fact.

I mean…how i see it currently is super simple in that the matter of that which we are a habitat of physically, meaning bacteria, germs, and all that we are host to; there are good germs, and bad germs which are limited to their situation, they are trapped so to speak.

Now imagine if they were sentient, just as a fun thought and for the sake of this odd writings of mine.

Our body is kinda like their universe, and they are asking the same questions I am here…

Unless they built a germ/bacteria friendly little submarine, managed to use it to exite out our earhole to get a first hand eye witness account of their container, even take photographs and videos on their little germ equipment; and the returned by popping back in to show their population (which is also our own population within us we are host to) what they are apart of, how could they truly know?

They may try to do the same things us earthling humans do amongst our population?

Methods of which I am exploring and going to be writing about on Esoteric Student over the coming years.

My mind is so entangled with such subjects that other questions arise because if those bacteria do escape and bear witness to us, they would then also see that there is a landscape which holds host to us too. Kinda like macro and micro observation of the eternal sort. you know, we could just keep zooming out, and keep zooming in without end in the attempt of removing layers, but only getting as far as revealing new (to us) layers.

Questions, Questions, Questions…

“If the only part of ‘no contact’ that exists is the meaning of those words themselves when being put into the order I just wrote them in, is this an abstract paragraph in its claims?” 

Or is the notion of ‘contactless’ the true abstraction?

Meaning, do us humans commonly accept that we all blindly lead into the illusion of distance between physical objects and biological materials? 

I think it depends on a person's perspective and personal “theory of everything” but when challenged I wonder how concrete they are when defending the position of being opposite to the facts on the universal scale, and the microscopic, or even the vibrational frequency level, and quantum science?

Acknowledging, Accepting, Denying…hmmm…these things are tricky, one of my biggest issues to work on during my spiritual practice has been “Letting go”...

Is accepting a part of letting go?

If it is, does that mean the other side of the same coin is “Denial”?

Or is the key to letting go being able to do neither of those things by “Acknowledging” only?

Is accepting and denying the same as yes, and no, true, or false, real, and not real?

Is it ok, or is it not ok to ponder such a thing?

Are all of those things judgments in reality based on just what the limit of being perceivably perceptive of the brightest of us?

What judgments have you made while reading this? 

What judgments are you making right now?

Is every action and reaction a judgment based off of the limitations of available to us data at any one moment? 

Is everything we do a judgment of the future, one moment after the next?

Wow...I Can Begin!

 

It is a momentous occasion for a monumental effort, and please know that I know what you have done for me, and with me.

The place I am nestled away in as I write this is a new home...in a new chair...at a new desk, in Esoteric Student HQ.

To be able to sit here and write this has taken so much energy - while I do include me in that statement, it is not myself I am writing this about; because If it had not been for other people's lifeforce energy this all-important very first blog post wouldn't arrive.

The place I am nestled away in as I write this is a new home...in a new chair...at a new desk, in Esoteric Student HQ. The reasons for being here are vast…so this may take a while. 

It may take as long to read this as it has to write. It's been such a complex thing to try to write and hit upon so many expansive connections and moments, especially with people who I feel would do a disservice too, to not be included in such a personally important milestone moment; which this indeed is one such milestone moment.

What it represents is that the entirety of my life up to now is over. I'm totally starting over from scratch.

My Grandparent's canine compadre who is in my canine compadre too, my three turtles, and me.

The highs and the lows, (I have not been an easy person to deal with...a lot of times…regularly…at least... the shame makes it feel that way) have been at the extremes of an extrovert to introvert, and all in between at the flick of a switch during this past 20 months (as of the time I am writing this).

My journal, an image of mystical origins to be featured soon, my Grandparent's Rings and Ashes.

I apologise to anyone encountering negative moments with me.

Esoteric Student was created in August 2021.

Back then I was desperate…I was desperate to not lose the connection I had with my dying Grandmother, as I “thought” I had lost my Grandfather after he died in 2018. By which I mean that I could no longer “feel” his presence in the way I thought I would be able to.

Esoteric Student was the name that seemed fitting due to the intended direction of my intrigues. So began with religion and magick. The mysteries of the traditional esoteric material were out of my depth, it is a different language to that of which I speak. In many various ways, it is just a bit too difficult for me to jump into the deep end. 

I was drawn in that direction because no modern medicine was going to help me and my Grandmother in the afterlife...what the heck even is the afterlife? It seems logical to then go to that which has been around for the longest time and is esoteric in nature but I need to work backwards to understand it even on the basic fundamental levels. I’m talking about Keys of Solomon, Talismanic, Golden Dawn, Crowley, Hermes…and all the ancient texts etc.

I need to be able to try and grasp an understanding of the things I am to look into because I am not hoping to pull rabbits out of hats…I am looking for and intend on real-world results connected to everything. 

Everything is connected to everything…but how?

But I’m a layman to the correct terms, meanings, references…to most all this. I just have experiences where I don't know the right language and terms, and meanings etc…you get my point that I am not the smartest cookie in the jar...I'm not academic I just am a seeker…in the age, we’re in of solo seeking.

Personally, I have opted to focus on the esoteric layers within realms I have encountered, visited, and even toyed with; and tried to come to get to know well (in some cases) throughout my life.

The things I cannot deny exist…

I know how I got to be in some of the fringes of the most fringe fringiest of…?...places…I guess you could call it…and states of consciousness…which are not conducive to good health and I will not survive if I go back there via the means previously employed…I no longer want to die…again (I will cover this at a later date).

So when I was at this point my search kinda stalled due to my grandmother passing away and my trying to deal with going through it on my own (read this article "Goodbye"). 

Over in the United Kingdom, we lived in what is called a housing association home. aka too poor to buy our own home. And the house was too big for one person to live in so I couldn't stay living there, but I also had nowhere to move to. I knew only that I might have to wait about three months before I could move to a smaller place…but it turned into a limbo of more than 18 months living out of boxes not knowing where my future lay…at all.

And my mental health declined, and my physical health also.

During that time, from that old home to this new one has been such a wild ride, and I have been keeping track of it all via journals.

I found some new spaces…virtual spaces, and used my virtual Reality headset to begin to learn how to meditate, socially online, in the metaverse… what has transpired is the journey up to this point coming back full circle from old endings to new beginnings yet again…

(It’s the ebb and flow, the forever recycling change of impermanence, from one transformation to another…the stream of consciousness at the centre of it all, being cradled and nestled away; being sung lullabies to keep it sleeping within the subconscious…)

It is the gentle cold air on the tips of our nose with each allowed, noticed, but automatic, inhale.

This is what changed the direction of everything for me. 

This is what a very kind and wise person taught me first during my first meditation session about getting to the present moment.

To be conscious in the present moment…

Present Moment…this is where things are happening…?  

From one perspective everything is in the present moment. And nothing happens outside of it…but how big of a moment are we talking about here because that's a lot of wiggle room to try to consider?...

This question is a legitimate thing to ask.

Extra Sensory Perception in my opinion is the rabbit hole of rabbit holes to go into, and consciousness studies, parapsychology, meta-analysis, meditation, audio, gratitude, love, trying to learn how to be truly alive, expanding the awareness, mindfulness tools, psychology, science (included “pseudo” and quantum of course! (eye roll perhaps), medicine, religions, rituals, the paranormal…just name it and if it has in any way to do with “Consciousness Expansion” because I want to try at least to grasp a better understanding of things i have been curious about my whole life…I want to write about it and post it here because I figure there are other spiritual beings like me out there in the ether of all that exists, who know there is more going on, and want to learn about what it could be. 

My theory of everything currently is quite far out there and based entirely on only my own perspective. I wrote this ("What I Believe" link) prior to this Esoteric Student journey as a way to reflect on, and sit with any changes at various times…such as this time.

Everyone who does want to learn more and begin their journey can because anyone can be their own Esoteric Student.

It is this path I am choosing to challenge, probe, discover, and learn about. I am going within the universal flow which is a stream we can all tune in to. It's knowing how to stay there…ironically by learning to let go. Which is something I struggle with. 

So this is where I am introducing a format of deep dives with which I wish to go with from this Esoteric Student full-(re)launch moving forward. I will be posting various multiple things about many things. And I am really looking forward to presenting aspects of what my deep dives are into.

Everyone who would like to…can follow the same stream of consciousness as my own by keeping an eye out on my reading updates when I begin a new book, meditation, or virtual reality events, zoom or live stream YouTube for example. 

You see, this is where writing helps me so much, such as journaling, drawing, creating, and sharing. It helps me to really process and sit with everything. 

It also helps me during the moments, from an observer's perspective, (sometimes at least) because I want to take in as much as I can. Which at times can be way too much. And at other times…it is I who can be too much!

I am Autistic, among other things including ADHD. I can get very paranoid so there may be more to it than is diagnosed, so I shouldn't speculate. I am also hyper-sensitive, I have fewer filters, so need more time to process. I hope you see my point of needing a release, writing then pressing that send button on here, Esoteric Student is that release.

It is a tool.

Why do I wish to remain anonymous? 

This is where things get tricky. And illuminating from my perspective because being so rigid on the subject of anonymity is for good solid reasons…or so I thought. And I still do in a lot of ways, but I am now looser on this topic than I was in August 2021.

So much has happened since then (I keep repeating this to myself).

When starting out I knew that in order to be liberated enough to keep this process of exploring and writing on as truer a journey as possible I had to be able to not worry too much about being judged or offending anyone, like a family member for example.

Or to be steered away from my primary path by friends too…

I am aware how this next part may be taken in all sorts of directions in itself...but I didn’t want any friends; for the same reasons as above, plus a couple of more reasons too.

Being someone who uses this blog as a tool, concept, idea…I feel it is important to maintain the integrity of the experiences, readings, conversations, interactions and meetings I share here on Esoteric Student…in the ways, a journalistic approach may be utilised. So in order to maintain some order and add a layer of simplicity…I was able to maintain this for a while. Kept my distance so to speak, and times when I just couldn’t speak (literally). Or I did speak too much (still do!).

But having such a narrow unfulfillment-laced bone-headed approach such as that misses the whole point of this journey entirely.

I have met many people in the time since August 2021, and have made some great friendships, and lost some too. I'm grateful for the lessons, and ongoing learning from those close.

I have many stories to tell over the coming weeks, months, and years. Our story together will be told…using this tool to be known as Esoteric Student.

What’s coming up after this post is a period of time required to settle into a new routine and ways of streamlining how I work, to become more efficient. Some of it will work and some of it won’t, but that is also the journey.

Now…my intentions are to just investigate with curiosity about things I don't know about and to see where it leads.

Sitting here writing this now is still from a state of preparing to unleash my thirst of losing myself in all-encompassing interests with curiosity for knowledge.

It might seem funny to say…but when I release this writing and press publish…everything changes at that moment…that one present moment…but does the present moment even exist? Because it doesn't feel real to finally be here…I am finally fucking here! And it doesn't feel real…surreal…..

Being present…being in the moment…the present moment…general awareness…consciously aware…being aware and mindful of consciousness…flow…stream of consciousness…in my uneducated opinion can each be viewed in many different ways as many different things to many different beings depending on how each of us view languages and words. When we're being fully present…are we aware that we are within the slice of being present during…before it, or after it…?

I must end this very first post with a new fresh view of life as it began. With my deepest gratitude to everyone who has ever helped me to get to be sitting in this chair, at this desk, in this house, in this life.

I understand this post will be underwhelming for some but at this point, I just need to get the weight of publishing my first post from this new stage of my life,  which has created a self-expectation bar higher than I can reach in one post and I have stressed myself out over it enough to need to just get past this first post-hang-up so I can post more about specific subjects.

Thank you to everybody who has helped me.

Reading & Moving House Update. Psychic Wars by Elmar Gruber

 Psychic Wars: Parapsychology in Espionage - and Beyond

by Elmar Gruber

UPDATE: It is official. My move date is April 17th! 

Book synopsis: 

More than 25 years of secret military research into parapsychology research by the military on both sides of the Cold War resulted in psychic warfare and espionage. This book reveals those experiments and programmes showing how they have gone on to be the foundation for more sensational research and the developments in so-called "PSI powers" and institutions.

New Book Update: I'm Reading: Phenomena by Annie Jacobsen

 Phenomena: The Secret History of the U.S. Government's Investigations into Extrasensory Perception and Psychokinesis 

by Annie Jacobsen

I have decided to post only the synopsis of the books I am reading and then post my review of said books later once I have moved home when I am less distracted.

Synopsis: The definitive history of the military's decades-long investigation into mental powers and phenomena, from the author of Pulitzer Prize finalist The Pentagon's Brain and international bestseller Area 51.

This is a book about a team of scientists and psychics with top-secret clearances.

For more than forty years, the U.S. government has researched extrasensory perception, using it in attempts to locate hostages, fugitives, secret bases, and downed fighter jets, to divine other nations' secrets, and even to predict future threats to national security. The intelligence agencies and military services involved include CIA, DIA, NSA, DEA, the Navy, Air Force, and Army-and even the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Now, for the first time, New York Times bestselling author Annie Jacobsen tells the story of these radical, controversial programs, using never before seen declassified documents as well as exclusive interviews with, and unprecedented access to, more than fifty of the individuals involved. Speaking on the record, many for the first time, are former CIA and Defense Department scientists, analysts, and program managers, as well as the government psychics themselves.

Who did the U.S. government hire for these top-secret programs, and how do they explain their military and intelligence work? How do scientists approach such enigmatic subject matter? What interested the government in these supposed powers and does the research continue? PHENOMENA is a riveting investigation into how far governments will go in the name of national security.

Mid-March!? Move & Reading Update

I'm Reading Entangled Minds: Extrasensory Experiences In A Quantum Reality

By Dean Radin

Currently, I am reading Entangled Minds. I still am awaiting the official date of when I move home and onto the next chapter in my life. I have been told to expect it to be around the middle of March 2023.

In my last post, I wrote about AltSpace VR but that now is being shut down by Microsoft on March 10th 2023. But I will be posting an updated way to contact and details for any upcoming Esoteric Student VR events; and events I plan to attend of others regularly once I have moved house and have a regular daily routine.

This book is a sign of the direction I intend on going with this Esoteric Student blog.

Entangled Minds book synopsis:
Is everything connected? Can we sense what's happening to loved ones thousands of miles away? Why are we sometimes certain of a caller's identity the instant the phone rings? Do intuitive hunches contain information about future events? Is it possible to perceive without the use of the ordinary senses?


Many people believe that such "psychic phenomena" are rare talents or divine gifts. Others don't believe they exist at all. But the latest scientific research shows that these phenomena are both real and widespread, and are an unavoidable consequence of the interconnected, entangled physical reality we live in.


Albert Einstein called entanglement "spooky action at a distance" -- the way two objects remain connected through time and space, without communicating in any conventional way, long after their initial interaction has taken place. Could a similar entanglement of minds explain our apparent psychic abilities? Dean Radin, senior scientist at the Institute of Noetic Sciences, believes it might.


In this illuminating book, Radin shows how we know that psychic phenomena such as telepathy, clairvoyance, and psychokinesis are real, based on scientific evidence from thousands of controlled lab tests. Radin surveys the origins of this research and explores, among many topics, the collective premonitions of 9/11. He reveals the physical reality behind our uncanny telepathic experiences and intuitive hunches, and he debunks the skeptical myths surrounding them. Entangled Minds sets the stage for a rational, scientific understanding of psychic experience.